1. You come home to find your cow standing next to the stove, enticingly holding a box of  "Hamburger Helper."

2. Your cow appears to walk into the electric fence only when he knows that it is turned on and has an electrical  

    current running through it.

3. You have been forced to replace your electric fence more than once, due to the fact that your cow had previously

    stood against the fence until it shorted itself out.

4. During deer season, you spot your cow walking around densely wooded areas, wearing what appears to be a

    crude, home-made set of "antlers."

5. Your cow's favorite spot to "hang out" is the doorway to the slaughterhouse.

6. Your cow will not allow itself to be branded anywhere except directly on the face.

7. Every time your cow says, "Moo," you swear that, somehow, it sounds like he is saying, "Please kill me."

8. There was that very awkward moment, a few years ago, when you caught your cow making a collect call to Dr.

    Jack Kevorkian (although the cow did a magnificent job of trying to down-play that particular situation!).

9. Your cow is the only one that runs TOWARD lightning, rather than running away from it!

10. When PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) organized a fundraising benefit in your town, your

     cow was at the front of the line of the protesters trying to shut the benefit down.

Signs That Your Cow May Be Suicidal

(Or at least has some very masochistic tendencies)